Over the past few months, my heart hasn’t been feeling very “Jesus-y.” I was having frustrations with my church that were causing my heart to turn away from God when I needed Him the most.
I had previously had problems with my church and was recently starting to see my church for what it really was.
My friend and I actually met up at Denny’s after I got off work one night. I’ll never forget a few of the things she said that really made a lot of sense to me. I remember her saying that my frustrations with the church were going to prevent spiritual growth, which another friend of mine said to me as well.
The one thing I’ll never forget is when she said, “Tell me about your personal walk with God right now” and I replied, “I don’t have one.”
And the truth of it is that I think I was so caught up in giving to others that I forgot about myself. One of the reasons my relationship with God has lost its strength is because I wasn’t attending service, listening to the podcasts, reading my Bible; doing the things I needed to be doing in order to maintain my relationship with God. I was volunteering with kids, so worried about others’ relationship with God, that I wasn’t committed to getting what I needed to stay healthy with God.
Flash forward to now: I have recently left the church I called home for 9 years. There were certain events that took place that led up to this decision, as well as frustrations with certain choices that were made.
But that’s not what this post is about…
I wake up almost every morning and when I think about my love for Jesus, it’s more or less in the back of my mind. My heart hasn’t been it for a while now. I felt like I was only going to church for the kids I was taking care of down in the nursery, not for Jesus. Writing this right now, I don’t feel in it. Every Sunday, it used to be, “Yes! Church!” But now it’s, “Okay, I guess I’ll go” or “Nah, maybe next week. I’m sleeping in.” I think one of the reasons my heart is not in it is because I still went to this church. I honestly tried to make it work because I really hoped and had faith that God had a better plan for all of this. But, maybe this is my chance to feel whole again. I do still have a shred of faith and hope left that God can make me whole again, even though my heart is shattered.
I’m trying to remember what it felt like to have a heart on fire for Jesus, but I’ve been so brainwashed and had my heart destroyed continuously that I’m wondering if it can ever be repaired.
But even with a heart that is trying to mend, I will not stop. I will not quit. I know that there is a man who loved me so much that He died for me and everything I do wrong. He took nails through His hands for the person sitting here, writing this, whose heart is not in it. And my heart may not be in it now, but I’m hoping with time, my heart will heal and I will be whole again. Because I will not break. I will not sink. I am not an anchor, but He is an anchor for my soul. And as Shinedown says in one of their songs, “sometimes, ‘goodbye’ is a second chance.”
STEPS I’M TAKING TO MAINTAIN MY RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD AGAIN:
- New church: I’m currently looking for a new church to attend. I’m committed to getting my relationship with God back on track and where it needs to be. The church I went to before was once the place where I was actively getting my fill, but it is not anymore.
- Bible app: I have been reading a Bible plan on a Bible app called “Bible Study” since Valentines’ Day. It was the first step I took to get my spiritual strength back. The Bible plan is a chronological 365 day plan that gives you a few chapters each day.