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Are you angry or wrestling with the Lord? Why?

Have you ever just been angry?  And I don’t mean like a normal mad – a combination of hurt, frustrated, and just confused to the point where you feel like you don’t know how to resolve something?  Ya see, normally … normally, I take out all of my frustrations via writing.  But for over a YEAR, I have not been able to do so. 

I have fought and wrestled with the Lord as to why I could not write and what was going on in my heart that I needed to change.  I had a lot of unresolved forgiveness that I was working to let go of.  If you know me, it’s incredibly hard for me to let go of something without working it out, talking it out.  I need to understand things.

Without going into too much detail, I was angry over a situation that occurred so much so that I eventually was just angry with God and started simply not going to church at all.

I started with being angry at others … but I let it grow into something that it wasn’t. Something that it shouldn’t have been in my heart. I was resentful and incredibly hurt. And then I got so angry with God that I allowed myself to push him away in the process.

I truly and honestly believe that God needed to just “Shut me up” while my heart was so hard towards others.  While my initial anger was justified, I should not have allowed that to turn that into a resentment towards God and towards others. (Not justifying the situation – I am no longer bitter and angry about it).

This verse has been constantly running through my head, because I have always promised myself that I would never become a hypocrite and do or say things that I expected others not to do.

“You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye”(Matthew 7:5 NIV).

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While this may seem out of place (it’s not, I write what I need to then edit), ministry always has been priority in my life.  While I’m not in a season of my life where I’m not constantly “doing” ministry (3-4) days a week, sometimes I have to remember that no matter where I am, no matter what I’m doing … I’m doing ministry. Whether I’m doing it well or doing it poorly, I’m speaking into people about what I believe Jesus says about them and about myself.  And if I choose not to do that well, they may not hear it from anyone else.

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 But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.” (Acts 1:8 NIV) 

I know this post was all over the place, but I’m still even now processing the emotions of this.

See ya soon!

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